A Glad Goodbye

For the past 5 months I've been visiting this building on almost a weekly basis to receive chemotherapy. Today was the last day I have to go there for treatments, and I'm rejoicing! I was hoping to never have to go back, but unfortunately, I do have to return for some follow-up visits with the Dr. However, I did complete my chemotherapy today, and I even have my balloon and certificate of completion to prove it! (Thanks to the supportive nurses who work there!)

It is hard to put into words what this whole experience has meant to me. It's definitely changed my perspective on cancer, doctors, life & death. Being done with treatment almost leaves this void. And I'm scared to fill that void with anything, because I'm afraid I might not get to keep whatever I put there. Yet at the same time, I want to receive the healing that God has so graciously given, and embrace the life He's also blessed me with. So how do I move on?

The humility and desperation that being diagnosed with cancer cast upon me is slowly lifting. I don't desire to have it back, and yet there is a dependency on the Lord that it brought, that I don't want to lose. Can I keep the humility and move on with a better perspective? Truly most of the things that I thought were huge trials before cancer do not seem so big anymore. And worrying about other people's approval seems to have faded as well.

As I told a friend, "The best picture I can give to this experience is this: I'm walking along the sidewalk, pretty content with my life, making plans for my family & future, just strolling along, then, WHAM! (imagine me getting punched hard), God slams me flat down on my face." I hope that doesn't seem irreverent, because I completely believe that it is because He loves me so much that He let me have cancer. It just happened so suddenly, and was such a shock, that that's the only way I can think to describe it. I have never before been brought so low and so face-to-face with the reality that as much as I would like to think that I'm in control of my life, I am, in fact, not. That's the perspective that I would like to keep. And I don't want this experience to be wasted. Whatever fruit God wants to bring out of it, that's what I want.

Enough rambling from me. I just wanted to give some of you who have been praying so faithfully and loving our family through this time, a visual of the closure that I'm beginning to feel. Thank you for lifting us up.